Welcome to parenthood

One of my coworkers is expecting a baby any day now – her first one, I think. As a seasoned pro of a parent that I am (ha ha) I’m tempted to give her all these tips and wisdom that I’ve accumulated after having two kids of my own… BUT after much deliberation, I decided to keep my mouth shut. Because if I were to give her a guidebook about parenting, it would sound something like this:

“Heeeyyyyy welcome to parenthood! Welcome to this journey where you’ll be giving up your sleep for the next 3 months minimum (possibly longer depending on the baby). Welcome to chores that will accumulate no matter what you do (or don’t do), and for some godforsaken reason, laundry that you managed to do but it’s still sitting there three days later waiting to be folded. It’s screaming “FOLD ME YOU LAZY BUMS!!” It sounds like your whiny cat who doesn’t understand that you just had a fucking baby and the last thing you care about is folding a mountain of laundry. (Can you tell I hate folding laundry?)

Welcome to the wonderful world of nursing, or as comedian Ali Wong like to call it, “a savage ritual that reminds you that you ain’t nothing but a mammal.” You’re going to produce the best kind of food that any mammal can make to feed your baby so damn it if anybody even dare say that you should use formula…especially after the first few days of nursing you discover that your boobs cannot take it anymore, and you start to question your sanity and whether or not you’re actually capable of doing this, and why the hell didn’t you just use birth control in the first place. Your body is sore all over from giving birth and you’re sensitive, both physically and mentally so the though of having to feed your baby every two hours is absolutely exhausting and painful.

What about sex? You’re going to be thinking, “What sex?” Let’s just stop right here.

Remember – you’re on a trial period for this new job. The only difference between parenting and a real, professional job is that after 90 days, even if you do a really bad job, your baby can’t fire you. You’re in it for LIFE (read: “prison sentence” for some, “love & devotion” to others). So take it seriously buddy! Set your priorities and go put a boob in that baby’s face. Anything to keep him quiet, right?

Brought to you by an overly exhausted and wonderfully in love mother of two.


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