Before I became a parent, I made some pretty tough choices…involving where to go hiking, camping, what neighborhood to live in, and what to major in college. I thought I was the shit for knowing how to make those choices. It wasn’t until I became a mom that tough choices becomes really tough, so tough that you think you’re going to be screwed either way.
With that said, I thought I’d share a quiz that I created simply based on personal experience answering to these tough choices. This is especially helpful if you are expecting your first child.
QUIZ FOR NEW, UNPRETENTIOUS PARENTS
LIFE’S TOUCH CHOICES QUIZ
Grab a pen or pencil and seriously look through the choices and think carefully, because once you become a parent you will not have the pleasure of reading for more than 2 minutes before you get interrupted by a cry or a scream of some kind. Somebody needs you, and it makes you wonder why that somebody doesn’t care that YOU need help.
The choice is up to you.
1) Your baby is crying in the background. You’re starving and you need to eat (because you haven’t eaten in 8 hours due to being busy tending to a needy, crying baby). But he won’t let you out of his sight. Do you:
A. Ignore him and eat anyway
B. Pick him up and console him for however long it takes
C. Pick him up and try to eat with one hand while simultaneously holding him in the other arm
D. Scream at the world
2) True or False: It takes you and your spouse 3 nights to finish a 1 1/2 hour movie.
3) Pretend that you don’t have a kid…yet. (Wait a minute, I do this all the time!). Instead, you are an expectant parent who is trying to decide what gadgets and baby gear you might need. Which one do you think you’ll need the most?
A. A “Noise Cancelling Machine”, meaning a machine that cancels out all the cries (every single one!), so the only thing you hear is your baby cooing…and everyone telling you how great of a parent you are.
B. A “Shut the Fuck UP” machine, same idea as above, except this version is more advanced, because it also tells all the people who gave you unsolicited parenting advice to fuck off.
C. The “Rockabye Baby Machine,” one that rocks your baby, sings to it, and even gives her advice on how to choose a good husband. (A similar one already exists here
D. The “Eye Opener.” No, it’s not makeup but it’s a prong that you can put on your eyes (similar to an eyelash curler) that will keep you awake (or make you look like you are) even when you pass out after being awake 20 hours with the baby.
E. All of the above.
4) Turns out, breastfeeding isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. (Haha, insert bad joke). You find that you’re running into all sorts of problems. What do you do?
A. Hire a wet nurse. Wait, do they still exists?!?! (You spend about two hours Googling this question on the internet while trying to breastfeed your baby at night).
B. Imagine how you’ll invent a product called a Mooby: it’s a Moby wrap that squirts out milk from your booby on command, or whenever the baby is hungry. Sadly, the male version is not possible.
C. Go to a milk donation bank and ask for some…only to be told that they only reserve donated milk to the most “needy” babies. You can’t understand why because you baby NEEDS milk all the time, so you think it’s a type of blatant discrimination because your baby was actually on time.
D. Continue, despite being uncomfortable/stressed/not having enough milk/having too much milk/cracked, blistering nipples/endless baby crying & fussing/whatever problem you have – no you KNOW that you are a strong woman and can muster this for a few more months.
E. Stop breastfeeding. Go to the store and buy formula. Enjoy feeding your baby for a change. End of story.
5) True or False: Getting two kids out of the house just to go grocery shopping takes almost an hour.
6) You’re at a play date with other moms. Hooray for finally getting out of the house! Someone mentions that she had postpartum depression with her first baby. How do you respond?
A. “Wow, that’s unfortunate. Did you husband give it to you? *hehehe*”
B. Sit in silence. Then get up and leave, silently.
C. “Girl, I’m feeling sad right now! But does that mean I’m going to bitch about it?? Noooo…”
D. Try to empathize with her. Say something like, “My neighbor also had that…now her mom has custody of the baby.”
E. None of the above.
7) When it comes to planning for the baby’s future, would you rather:
A. They become a doctor, lawyer, or corporate exec who brings home the big bucks OR
B. They become homeless and deal drugs after they lost everything in a house fire OR
C. They come live with you when they’re thirty and you’re sixty five and retired, and they ask you to babysit your grand kids five days a week while they go to work OR
D. They stop calling you every year on your birthday because they stopped believing in birthdays. (i.e they joined the Jehovah’s Witnesses).
8) You’re coming up to the end of your maternity leave. Now you need to decide what to do about childcare. Do you:
A. Hire a nanny and/or babysitter to come over
B. Pay an arm and a leg for a daycare facility
C. Enlist the help of your family members…i.e the only one who’s actually available is the worst option, but any option is better than nothing, right?
D. Quit your job, and stay at home. NOTE: Only one parent can do this. And seriously re-evaluate your finances before attempting this option.
9) Speaking of finances, you sit down and look at your bank account and noticed a trend. For the past few months (ever since your baby was born) you’ve been spending a lot of money on diapers. Somehow this is a shock. $300 in diapers in just 3 months?!?! Even with the diapers that people gave you??? That’s insane! What do you do?
A. Consider buying cloth diapers. Then decide that you don’t really want or have the energy to wash those damn diapers every single day because your baby poops that much.
B. Buy the cheap Winco diapers. Only $9 per box of 132? Amazing. Little do you know that it’s worst piece of shit diapers (no pun intended) that you’ll ever encounter.
C. Nothing. You just deal with it. That’s your life now.
D. Look for coupons and sales on diapers. Go to Costco and stock up. Better idea: order from Costco’s web site and have it delivered, because you just don’t have time go there yourself.
10) When is the end of this quiz?
A. One more question
D. Psych! Next question
11) Is this the end of the agonizing quiz that you’re making me do?
B. Just kidding. Yes.